Warner Howard Automatic Hand Dryer

This surprisingly sexy sans-style substance-shell is a fucking pleasure to encounter. Rip the whole lot off the wall and take it to your gran - she'll know what to do.

Can be found: Brighton Railway Station, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: Four eggs in a basket + nine hankies/10

Supremette

Garish, crusty, piss-stained, out-dated and frankly bizarre, it's probably about time that Bruce Forsyth died. As for the Supremette, I'd avoid it if you can, but it's certainly not without its charms (if being quite shit is considered "charming" these days).

Can be found: The Collonade Bar, Brighton, England
Auto: No
Rating: Five.Box/10.0000

Eterna

"Danny?"
"Yes, Adrian?"
"My hands are awfully clammy."
"Are they, Old Chap?"
"Yes indeed they are. Rather moist."
"You can't play po-lo with damp palms, Adrian."
"Quite right, Old Bean. Down right intolerable."
"Quite!"
"Whatever shall I do about it? The ruddy match begins in fiqstchonm minutes!"
"I'm fucked if I know, Old Queen."
"Oh dear..."


If only Danny and Adrian knew about the marvelous Eterna hand dryer, and weren't such total fucking idiots.

Can be found: The Hanbury Club, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 606%/TEN

Xlerator

It looks like it would be happier sucking brains out of chickens, but this ain't just Darth Vader's jock-strap. Stick your dumb didgets under this puppy's undercarriage and you risk soiling your own pants off, Ukranian-style. Use it, love it, smash it up.

Can be found: IKEA, Croydon, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 8a/10.0

TRAC Automatic

Shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel this dryer is like a shit weasel.

Can be found: Heart and Hand, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: One/TEN

Phs Automatic Ultradry

Self-adhesive postage stamps, Peter Jackson's old cheeks, dead fish in a man's pocket, soggy beans, tricky pieces of the elderly, dead shit, punching Jacobs crackers into fucking dust, swapping socks for shirts, playing music on a lady, nibbles, Sebastien-fellows, sudden Tuesdays, bowls and bowls of those things and the Phs Automatic Ultradry - these are all things that excite me, blog-reader.

Can be found: The West Hill, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: Eight-point-nine/10