Magnum Washroom Super Automatic

It seems apt that whilst reviewing this fat, silver oaf, I noticed that some talented young pen-user [may or may not have] scrawled their latest comedy musing beneath its hefty hull. Here, in front of millions of interweb-lookers, is that message:

"Flop that old tit on my Quavers and call me Cassandra."

Thy will be done.

Can be found: Bar 49, Soho, London, England.

Auto: Sure

Rating: Two firm pats of my left ventricle.

2000 - Initial Automatic Services

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Fuck, I am sorry, I was thinking about something else. But seriously, this hand dryer wasn't even working.

Can be found: The Chesham Arms, Hackney, London

Auto: Fuck knows, or cares.
Rating: Hand me that needle and I'll tell you.

Newlec (Manual)

I once had a friend called Harold. We've all had a friend like him haven't we, eh? Yeah, we've all had a friend like Harold. You know the ones I mean, don't you? Like Harold? My old mate Harold? We've all had a friend like him. Yeah, you know the one I mean. Mine was Harold. Do you remember? Eh? You remember what your friend used to say to you don't you, eh? Just like my old mate Harold, I bet! Yeah, I remember old Harold. I remember what he used to say. Yours was the same, I don't doubt. Because we've all had one. Like Harold.

Every day he used to say to me (I bet this sounds familiar), every day he would say, "I am an ugly, ignorant cunt and there's absolutely no point to my existence". Classic Harold, that.

The reason I mention Harold is because he's precisely like Newlec, the manufacturer of this hand dryer. We've all had a friend like that at some point though, eh?

Can be found: Costa Coffee, Edinburgh, Scotland

Auto: No

Rating: The sum total of cabbages in the hat, minus the weight of that homeless chap over there.

Typhoon

This cheeky-chappy of a dryer comes complete with instructional descripto-words:

"Move hands and Comfortable hot air will be sent out automatically [sic]"

Ho ho oh, my, congratulations. Really, really wonderful.

Can be found: 'Cave 1', Underbelly (Edinburgh Fringe), Edinburgh, Scotland.

Auto: Why, yes!

Rating: Captain Fuck-Twat's Award for 'Shittest Stuff On A Thing'

Vent-Axia Ultradry

It seems prudent to note, fellow faithful Hand Dryer hunter, that moments after discovering this hand dryer, indeed seconds after taking the photo you see above, the entire unit was covered in blood.

My blood. My blood, and my brains. And bits of my skin and hair and eyes. Blood and brains and skin and hair and eyes and tears. All smashed and pulped up over the plastic exterior, purposefully pushed and rubbed inside the mechanisms and between the tiny cracks and around the fixtures that kept this device hanging so smugly against that toilet wall.

Miniature fragments of bone stuck out of the glooped-up, soggy brain-mess where my skull had finally surrendered to the rhythmic head-punching and fractured itself all-over-the-fucking-place. As I smeared the last of my own sticky lobes over the front and sides of the dryer, I could hear myself weeping, as though it were from a distant dream or memory. I could also discern the haunting echo of laughter, chanting and screaming, and hundreds of fists thumping against a hollow door. Just as the tumultuous hubbub became too much for me to bear, all of a sudden there came a peculiar silence.

Some weeks later I awoke, and it was at that point that I realised just how much I hate this hand dryer.

Can be found: The Eddy, Brighton, England

Auto: Yes

Rating: Two weeks in hospital + six operations

Newlec Electrical

What did I do, mm? What was it that I did to the designer of this hand dryer, eh? Did I smack him in the chops? Hm? Did I find his mother and tell her she was as rough as puke in a sock? Did I? Did I threaten to paint a red mark on his front door and tell his neighbours that he had AIDs? Did I put my flannel in his mouth as a joke? Did I send him a bottle of rare 1787 Chateau Lafite Bordeaux wine, knowing full well that he would have been happy with a £5 bottle of Blossom Hill? Did I sit opposite him on the Tube, intentionally staring at his groin with a smile on my face? Did I go into Waterstones, find a copy of Margeret Thatcher's biography and replace each occurence of the word 'Conservative' with the name of his first born child? Did I visit his house dressed as a doctor and tell him that he would die in a matter of hours because I'd discovered that his DNA was made primarily of plasticene? Did I impregnate his pet chinchilla with some toothpaste I found on the bus? Did I cough in his fucking eye?

NO I FUCKING DIDN'T, SO WHY THE FUCK DID HE FEEL AS THOUGH HE COULD RUIN MY FUCKING DAY WITH HIS SHIT HAND DRYER?

Can be found: London Gate, 72 Dyke Road Drive, Brighton

Auto: Yes

Rating: MINUS-SIX POINTS ON THE SCHLEB SCALE

Warner Howard Automatic Hand Dryer

This surprisingly sexy sans-style substance-shell is a fucking pleasure to encounter. Rip the whole lot off the wall and take it to your gran - she'll know what to do.

Can be found: Brighton Railway Station, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: Four eggs in a basket + nine hankies/10

Supremette

Garish, crusty, piss-stained, out-dated and frankly bizarre, it's probably about time that Bruce Forsyth died. As for the Supremette, I'd avoid it if you can, but it's certainly not without its charms (if being quite shit is considered "charming" these days).

Can be found: The Collonade Bar, Brighton, England
Auto: No
Rating: Five.Box/10.0000

Eterna

"Danny?"
"Yes, Adrian?"
"My hands are awfully clammy."
"Are they, Old Chap?"
"Yes indeed they are. Rather moist."
"You can't play po-lo with damp palms, Adrian."
"Quite right, Old Bean. Down right intolerable."
"Quite!"
"Whatever shall I do about it? The ruddy match begins in fiqstchonm minutes!"
"I'm fucked if I know, Old Queen."
"Oh dear..."


If only Danny and Adrian knew about the marvelous Eterna hand dryer, and weren't such total fucking idiots.

Can be found: The Hanbury Club, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 606%/TEN

Xlerator

It looks like it would be happier sucking brains out of chickens, but this ain't just Darth Vader's jock-strap. Stick your dumb didgets under this puppy's undercarriage and you risk soiling your own pants off, Ukranian-style. Use it, love it, smash it up.

Can be found: IKEA, Croydon, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 8a/10.0

TRAC Automatic

Shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel shit weasel this dryer is like a shit weasel.

Can be found: Heart and Hand, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: One/TEN

Phs Automatic Ultradry

Self-adhesive postage stamps, Peter Jackson's old cheeks, dead fish in a man's pocket, soggy beans, tricky pieces of the elderly, dead shit, punching Jacobs crackers into fucking dust, swapping socks for shirts, playing music on a lady, nibbles, Sebastien-fellows, sudden Tuesdays, bowls and bowls of those things and the Phs Automatic Ultradry - these are all things that excite me, blog-reader.

Can be found: The West Hill, Brighton, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: Eight-point-nine/10

Airstream 3000

"...it goes so heavily
with my disposition that this goodly frame, the
Airstream 3000, seems to me a sterile promontory, this most
excellent canopy, the air, look you, this brave
o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted
with golden fire, why, it appears no other thing to
me than a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours."

Can be found: Brighton Centre, Brighton, England
Auto: No
Rating: 5.114/10

Wandsworth Bunny Automatic Hand Dryer

Is this some sort of fucking joke?

Can be found: London School of Economics Student Union, London, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 8/10

Topline Executive Hand Dryer

Mike Reid reincarnated - gruff, loud, old fashioned and ultimately quite racist.

Can be found: The White Horse, London, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 4.4/10

Dyson Airblade

"And God said, "Let there be the Dyson Airblade, which will harness cutting edge HEPA filtration technology to blast purified air via a patented digital pulse system at 400mph, using 80% less energy than conventional warm air hand dryers. Let it be stylish and intuitive, made with anti-microbial additives to reduce surface bacteria by 99.9% and be the first hand dryer to meet NSF Protocol P335, so that men may walk upon the Earth with dryer, cleaner, happier hands", and there was the Dyson Airblade. And God saw that it was good."

Can be found: London Victoria Station, London, England
Auto: Yes
Rating: 9.999/10

Initial

Walking into any toilet to see an Initial hooked up to the greasy tiles will never fail to make me smile. Smiling, sadly, is not a recommended activity for a man in a toilet amongst other men (particularly those that don't share my somewhat niche passion for hand dryers), so I normally have to express my happiness later by kissing a black and white photo of Sterling Hayden's face. 

If by some startling example of chance you happen to be in a toilet-room that bears an Initial dryer at the exact same time that I'm standing in the corner, desperately suppressing my nauseous joy by spluttering and shuddering against some cracked-up mirror, please glance in my direction and offer a grin of acknowledgment. It'll make my shitting day. Long live the glorious Initial.

Can be found: The Open House, Brighton, England

Auto: Yes

Rating: 9.12345/10

World Dryer Airforce

Like slicing the skull off a spaceman, sticking your fists up his damn neck-hole and warming your hands over his last gasping throat-gases. Employing the evil, awesome efficiency of the most determined fascist dictators, the Airforce takes the World Dryer to a new realm of drying greatness.

Can be found: Wetherspoons, Brighton, England

Auto: Yes

Rating: 9.74/10

Levanté

Contrary to the instructional diagram on this dryer's housing, a portal by which to contact God this ain't. That said, it is nice. Nice like nice pies is nice. 

Can be found: Withdean Stadium, Brighton, England.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 8.91/10

Power Dri

Stick a knife in your own dumb throat and drive a motorcycle over a cliff, screaming. Or use this hand dryer. It's up to you. 

Can be found: The King and Queen, Brighton, England

Auto: Yes

Rating: 4.66316/10

Dolphin Hot Air Dryer

Who lives in this daft, silver house? A fucking idiot, probably. 

Can be found: The Waggon and Horses, Brighton, England

Auto: Yes

Rating: 3/10

Silavent Automatic Hand Dryer

If at some point in your life, you are woken every morning for a whole week by the shrill scream of your lover as he or she gleefully jabs you in the ribs for hours on end with a sharpened broom handle, then after seven days of constant torment reveals that they've been having an affair with your younger sibling for the past six months, they have slashed the tyres on your car, been sick in your shoes and stolen all your cake, then you will, I think, be able to comprehend the sheer level of annoyance and deceit employed by this hand dryer.

Can be found: 72 Dyke Road Drive, Brighton, England.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 2.00008/10

World Dryer AirMax

The AirMax (having conquered the world of sporting footwear) marches about the place like a buffed-up, sexy gloss-ball. This is the more successful, dryer-in-the-city to the comparatively plain Warner Howard World Dryer. This is the Patrick Bateman of hand dryers. 

Can be found: Welcome Break, Oxford, England.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 9.1/10

Heatstore HS 5200

A bit like spending two minutes intermittently laughing and vomiting in five second bursts. The inconsistency of this shit dryer made me snap the legs off a bastard.

Can be found: The Tin Drum, Dyke Road, Brighton, England.

Auto: Yes

1.1/10

Vortice AHDR Automatic

The Vortice Automatic positions you within a circle of your closest friends, all of whom are chanting your name in a low, hushed voice as you stand in the centre wearing nought but a pair of red swimming trunks. Weird, embarrassing, and chilly. 

Can be found: The Good Companion, Brighton, England.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 1.5/10

Mediclinics Saniflow E05C

Despite the name resembling something more akin to a brand of rectal-hose, this hand dryer has one shiny spout. Shiny like the glare of the sun in the cracked wing mirror of a second-hand Ford Cortina. Shiny.

Can be found: [currently unavailable] 

Auto: No

Rating: 6.42424/10

Vortice (Manual)

Welcome, if you will, the bastard son of a Dust-Buster and an Apple Mac. I didn't blink, I didn't cry, I didn't smile, but ultimately, my hands were dry.  Use the generous drying-time to drift off and imagine a world without helicopters.

Can be found: Belushi's, Paris, France.

Auto: No 

Rating: 7/10

Sofmat Optima

It felt like pressing my hands against a fat dog's back beside an empty tunnel. Made me lose faith in humanity.

Can be found: Le Royal Café, Paris, France.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 1.3/10

Saniflow E88ACS Automatic

Graceful, confident but undeniably modest. The brushed aluminium will bring memories of the cold winter of 1992. Very much the 'Sunday' of the hand dryer week. Really very nice indeed.

Can be found: McDonalds, Vienna, Austria.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 6.999/10

Stiebel Eltron Electric

Like engaging in conversation with an anorexic kettle in a coma - weak, hot, unresponsive.

Can be found: Savarin Café, Prague, Czech Republic.

Auto: Yes

Rating: 3.001/10

World Dryer A48 - Warner Howard Group

Classic, strong, romantic even, the World Dryer represents unashamed masculinity in hand dryer engineering. Pressing the hard, strong reflective button feels like gently squeezing the cold bicep of an Olympic weight-lifter. The air-flow blasts forth from within like some man with a bad-temper, but it flows across the fingers with the sensation of groping old hot butter. Your time spent with the World Dryer may be hard, it may be unforgiving, but you will leave its company feeling a sense of achievement, of catharsis and of sheer wonderment. 

Can be found: The Quays, Holloway Road, London, England.

Auto: No

Rating: 8/10